


one step closer (to being two steps far from you)

by purplepinkskyes



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:40:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29836842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplepinkskyes/pseuds/purplepinkskyes
Summary: They would always meet with daylight dancing across the room, symbolizing that the darkest night had been gone and even though they had to go through it by themselves, it was worth the while because he was there. They would forget the shadows and the monsters that just turned out to be trees in the morning, because in the end, they survived.But today? She could see the glimmer of dusk and reality eclipsing the brightness of her reveries in the street along with the red and blue of the sirens. Someway, somehow, Elliot Stabler made his way back into her life.
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Elliot Stabler
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	one step closer (to being two steps far from you)

**Author's Note:**

> Y'ALL I HAVE A PROBLEM PLEASE SEND HELP
> 
> no, seriously, i'm not charles boyle but i just discovered a new drug that's called bensler angst and i'm high on it since january and i can't even tell the last time i had a full night of sleep without being up until 4 AM reading fanfics about these two idiots. to say that i lose my shit on last episode when fin said that to liv and it only got worse when OC's teaser followed right after would be an understatement, so i wrote this based on the teaser and their reactions because i have to do something to fill the hole that is my life until april 1st, so yikes! i do plan to write something on his point of view after the crossover premieres, so i think it'll probably be a at least two piece series, guess i'll just have to survive until the day comes 🤷🏽
> 
> this is my first time writing for them and english isn't my first language, so please tell me if i wrote something wrong, constructive criticism and other comments are truly welcomed and appreciated! thank you for giving a chance to my work, and i hope you guys like it!

It was too familiar.

The way her nickname flew in the air with the wind and the cold, the screaming sirens, the feeling of helplessness and deep fear in her stomach, things that came with the job. Not him, though. At least not anymore.

It was familiar because once it was her reality, or maybe because it feels like one of the scenarios at that time at night where nostalgia meets utopia, because she swore to herself in one of the many lonely nights that fuelling a fantasy was better than dealing with that shit alone, and she couldn't truly count all of those nights, it was probably easier to try and count the stars she could barely see in the New York sky.

Most mornings after he left, Olivia would wake up and feel the loss twice the worst she felt at work — when she would sit on her desk and look across the room to meet brown instead of blue — but it was okay, because at least she had the grace of privacy, and at least she got to see him.

They would always meet with daylight dancing across the room, symbolizing that the darkest night had been gone and even though they had to go through it by themselves, it was worth the while because he was _there_. They would forget the shadows and the monsters that just turned out to be trees in the morning, because in the end, they survived. In her little delusion, she kept him. Because how else could anyone survive bearing witness to the death of such a long relationship?

But today? She could see the glimmer of dusk and reality eclipsing the brightness of her reveries in the street along with the red and blue of the sirens. Someway, somehow, Elliot Stabler made his way back into her life.

The realization made her breath hitch, feeling like she was moving in reverse, falling to something she once wished she could reach, and yet feeling frozen to the rest of the world, stuck in motion with the wheels still spinning inside her head. For only a second she stood there before turning around, snow collecting in her hair almost like dust, but it felt like infinity could pass right through her without her knowledge.

Then she finally set free from the shock and saw tonight's phantasm: the same that plagued her in the crowd of NYPD Women of Law Enforcement Awards, the one that she swore to herself to be another one of her daydreams that have come too far. It was suspect to say the least that she saw him right after he popped back into her thoughts when Fin said something vague about attending the event. It had been years since she last saw his face in crowds around her, _years_ since she stopped looking for him around her in empty faces, hearing his name from the lips of a crowd or maybe even from one of the songs that used to play in the car's radio when they had to stake out around Manhattan in the old days. But the special occasions — like this, like when she made Sergeant, Lieutenant and eventually Captain — always managed to make the dreams a little more real. Olivia could swear that it was only her minds playing tricks again.

Well, life probably chose the worst time to take it's own chance to fuck her up too.

This time, she wasn't looking across her desk for his blue. She couldn't blink to see Amaro doing his paperwork, too busy doing his job to realize the longing teared stare Olivia had on him instead of doing her own paperwork. This time, she wasn't looking around a New York crowd. She couldn't walk past the face she thought that reflected him, a face that was too busy with their own busy life to realize the stranger looking for something that was long gone. This time, she didn't heard his voice in the silence that let Lionel Richie's voice sing _Endless Love_. She couldn't tune out the song in the radio and tune out Elliot's ridiculous, shrilly voice humming with Diana Ross in the chorus. This time, she wasn't dreaming. She couldn't wake up to the loss that seemed like a knife — and a damn rusty one —, feel the flashes of memories of a reunion never made, let it sting until it was numb enough to get up and move on with the life she made without him.

There was no blink to situate herself, no way to take the long way home, no changing the stations, no waking up.

All she could do was stare for another split second that felt like another infinity, even longer than the decade they had spent apart, leaving her wondering if maybe that afternoon after the shooting was the last time she would have seen him in her life. Longer than the nights she would lie awake, only hoping that he was okay, because she definitely wasn't. Longer than the nights she would allow herself to wish that someone would stay. She stood and stared, feeling so much like the day she did the same thing watching him leave the precinct — for good, but she didn't knew that back then.

But the days have gone by. He's _nothing_ like the Elliot that is alive in her head, and at the same time, he looks like he hasn't changed a thing. He's standing there too, looking just like a movie, just like one of the corny songs that he used to play in the radio — though she knew every single one of them by heart, even after he was gone. In case this is truly the last time they see each other, she wishes she could remember this moment forever.

Without succeeding in her silent mission to tattoo this moment in the back of her mind, Olivia let the air run back to the atmosphere and winked, barely hearing the sound of her lips whispering the name of the ghost that used to stand by her side since the day he left.

"Elliot?"

Ironically, after praying his name, this is the first time she could breathe again after a decade.


End file.
